just finished going through my old emails from like three years ago…I think I messed things up with a really good girl

So when I first got to my current college, I met this girl, really pretty girl great personality with a lot of goals. we were kind of dating for a bit, but for some reason I screwed things up. I dont even remember why I ended things with her but I did.  Anyways out of boredome I’ve been going through my Myspace Message inbox, and found an old message she sent me. I think this is after we stopped dealing with each other.

To:

• The man wit the pl…

Date:

Feb 13, 2007 1:03 AM

Subject:

Hey…

I never wrote to you before so I thought I would give it a shot. Was wondering what you did today….The gurlz hung out today. We were actually comforting Dafina because her boyfrined was really doing her wrong today(basically broke up with her). Renna also had an encounter with her man, and we had to comfort her as well. The both of them were a hot mess today. I was trying to give them advice on what to do in a situation like that. They both would not listen though…wat was said was done. Made me think a bit…On how depressed everyone was today… between you, reena and dafina. Kinda strange how a whole day can bring down someones spirit to the point of no self control. Not knowing what to do or say, not knowing to be the same person or change to fit someone elses needs. I felt for all of you today. Stanley, I really did not have too much time to talk you but I think it is important that you follow your heart. Listen to your spirit and if your spirit is telling you to go right then do it. You shouldn’t feel bothered or ashamed if your heart is telling you what to do. God has a plan for all of us and whatever the case may have been, you were supposed to be in my life, the way you were, for whatever amount of time you were…for a reason. Its a lesson that will probabaly unfold later in life. I just thank you for being such a sweet person and I thank you for always being honest with me. You have such a great personality and don’t let the obsticals of life, tainted love or unwanted liers change who you are. I know you will be a great friend to me and I hope you know I will be a great friend to you.

Much luv my brotha…
Cheriece

Body:

I dont know what our relationship may have turned into. For all I know that was the end..But I get the feeling I cheated myself out of a great girl from ignorance and immaturity. I just wrote her a message and left it in her facebook inbox… hears what it say’s..

Hey whats up*****

… I know this is Extremely random, but I was going through my old Inbox messages on myspace and I still had a couple of our Convo’s saved. It brought me back to the time when you and I were in the same building and hung out a bit.. I thought about our falling out and three years removed from it, I see that I was a real jerk to you. You were always a good friend, and for whatever reason I couldn’t handle that, I was to busy waiting for someone to do something bad to me I didn’t realize I had a good friend right in front of me. I know at this point your probably re reading this email trying to figure out what would posses me to send this message, but I really feel in my heart that I owe you this apology, I’m not sure if its more for you or for me but it was necessary. I’m not trying to bag you, I know you have a man but I do hope that we can be friends. But once again thanks for being such a good person to me, and I apologize for not returning the favor. So besides this message being three years too late, I hope to hear from you..feel free to hit me up on aim.. Scrambldvisions

And Congrats on graduating I was really proud of you…I know your teaching now but I hope you still try to become a magazine editor that’s a good look

Its to late for anything with her, she’s madly in love…but damn I know I’m gonna regret this for a long time smh

Make sure you check out condron.us

More Random Stuff

Still feeling some kind of way about certain things, but currently kind of feeling better at the same time….didnt have much to write today, well at least at this moment so I figured I would post a vid and just say hi, lol… Maybe I’ll have something constructive up later today….Maybe….

oh and as always Make sure you check out condron.us

Random thoughts

In the attempt to escape the way that we feel, we sometimes run right into it.

So instead of sprinting away from the thing that hurts us the most

We stand pat and watch as it tortures us with everything we never wanted to know

and even in that instant of pain, I still cant seem to take my eyes away

For a female to be able to have this control over me

I cant beleive I need to break free, But instead I stand straight as shoot right through.

so clearly these are my random thoughts, their clearly not that random because everyone who knows me knows exactly who and what I’m talking about. But for those of you who dont know me this is just another random thought through poetry. I really am frustrated so for no this is how I have to get it out… I’ll put some real content up tommorow, but right now this is just my mood…Real pissed and bothered by certain circumstances

Might As Well

Since I am currently in a very shitty mood, and pissed about this girl I guess I’ll just post some songs that will help me express my anger without expressing them outwardly.

This is a good song

This one because I feel like I keep making the same mistake with all of the women I pursure… SMFH

This is how she makes me feel right now

I do wish she would have liked me

Another Classic

you tell anybody I admitted having a broken heart, or anything close to it and I’ll kill you lol

 

and dont forget to show some love to condron.us

She Hates Me

I dont usually do this but today I’m definitely in the need to express some of my frustrations. I’ve liked this girl for a while now, probably since late February. She was busy with an Internship for most of the spring semester so the only way I could keep in contact with her was through sporattic text messages, which is totally fine, so she returns from her internship and I make my move.

I tell her how I feel and that I really want to get to know her better, with the hopes that well you know…. So she told me that I could give it a shot, but it was going to take hard work.

Since then I’ve tried to call her to hang out…No Bueno… I’ve texted her…and she would respond back once in a while. When I invited her to hang out….. I would get no response, but everytime I was ready to throw in the towel she seemed to give me a reason to hang tight and keep on fighting.

Then I run into her at an event a mutual friend was hosting, where I blatantly asked her if I was wasting my time, and she gives me nothing, never told me anything that would make me back down…..

But now all of a sudden I hear through a pretty reliable source, that she’s seeing some one else… I cant even Express how frustrated I am…. Its not even the fact that she’s not interested. I could have handled that, but why did she have to lead me on, and why couldnt she just been honest from the very begining.. So now I’m here feeling all Kinds of Pissed and wondering why I ever wasted my time…. Life truely does suck sometimes

Cant do shit but just listen to this song until I feel better.

Oh and be sure to check out other great blogs through condron.us 

My Heart

On November 4^th 2008 at 11:25pm everyone was ecstatic celebrating like there was no tomorrow. For the first time in my 22 years and for the first time in this great country’s long history we have a black president. The campus was exploding in shouts of jubilation accomplishment, hugs, handshakes, and victory dances. While all of this went on I cried. It started off as subtle tears of happiness, but before long they transformed into soul shattering heart piercing sobs. I began to cry like never before and I could not stop.

This election meant way more to me than I could have ever known, but despite every scenario that ran through my head, I would have never expected to react the way that I did when it was announced that Obama had won. I have never been one to put all of my hope and faith into one person. In my heart of hearts I have always felt that we are the ones that dictate our own futures, and that we were the ones who should push and motivate our selves. But after years of doing it alone and feeding off of the motivation to rise up from where I came from, I found myself second guessing everything.

I started to look around and see all of my friends who had graduated from college but were working at H&M. I looked at my father who has worked since he was 11 years old, when he retired things were supposed to be different this was supposed to be his chance to enjoy life. Instead I am forced to watch my 60+ year old father walk out of his one bedroom basement apartment every night to go work his overnight shift. So while you have senior citizens who work to stay occupied, my father must work to survive. Despite all of his years of hard work, social security alone would not keep a roof over his head. I became numb to the sights and sounds of people my age in the same institution as I am, unable to write beyond the third grade level. I slowly began to make excuses and instead of seeing the solutions, I found it easier to pinpoint the problems. Life can be sobering when watching failure through the eyes of the ones you love the most. It hurts because you feel for your friends, and when reality hits and you understand that their fate can just as easily be yours, the idea that change is possible becomes a faint thought in the midst of your battle to survive. So when it was time to sit and do homework, I would stare at the paper trying to will words that would get me through another week of homework, but the only thing that would come out was the question that I had already tortured myself with for so long. “What for”? Why work so hard when I am more likely to be in the same position that I am in now if not worse. Why fight for student rights when it seems like no one else is willing to join in the fight, why try to educate people on their history, how can someone appreciate the past when they don’t even acknowledge their present.

I struggled with this for days, weeks and months, but no matter how hard I tried to hide this feeling of defeat it became harder and harder every day. So on November 4^th 2008 I stood at Suny Oldwestbury’s TV game room talking to a group of students preaching to them about a future that I was no longer sure of, hoping that through my words I could give them faith, and through their faith that my hope could be reborn, and just when it seemed like I was speaking in vain, the results came in, Barack Obama was the first African American President of the United States. So while everyone went crazy I stood there in shock, thinking about every moment where I felt nothing mattered, the hot mid- summer afternoons when I tried to take out a student loan to pay for summer classes but didn’t have good enough credit. Then I think about the day when my father told me I was living in a world of restrictions because I was a black man, and when I finally come to only about a second has passed, but it’s enough time for me to realize that nothing will ever be the same again.

The glass ceiling is broken, and hard work does pay off. You may not always inspire at the moment but as long as you plant the seed something will happen, and most of all if you never give up on the heart of people they will someday pay you back for your faith. I was ready to give up on my goals, I was one step away from falling into the same trap I worked so hard to avoid, and with the election of one man, I saw in that instant that everything is going to be ok. I don’t know when things will be ok, and I don’t know how it will happen, but god as my witness everything is going to be ok. So when that first tears slid down my cheek and I saw students of all class standings, backgrounds, races, religious beliefs and life motives hugging like they always knew each other. I knew there was hope for me and for everyone else in this world. So as long as I keep on fighting there will always be hope in this world. Obama won the election but in the process he along with every American man woman and child in this beautiful country gave me back something that I had been missing for a long time, my heart.

A editorial I did when I was at Briarcliffe college back in 2005

With the one year anniversary of the school news paper quickly approaching (Feb 14), I find myself becoming very nostalgic. so much so that I sometimes catch myself taking a walk down memory lane. I guess a small part of me longs for those good old days, maybe a small part of everyone longs for it to be Feb 2005 instead of February 2006. when things just seemed so much simpler and the way of life wasn’t as goal oriented. When there was time to slack off and waste precious moments procrastinating with your friends, when cutting class and watching the Michael Jackson Trial was more important than learning the Principles of Business Those were the simpler days, I mis them how about you, if so then join me; sit back relax and reminisce on all the events that took place at Briarcliffe in that wonderful year.

It’s is January 2005 another day at Briarcliffe college is at hand. At this time period in Briarcliffe, there are approximately 300 different Fraternities and sororities on campus, 5 million students roam the halls everyday, and going to class is like trying to walk in manhattan during rush hour with your eyes closed. When that day was present time for me I couldn’t wait to see what 2006 would be like, and now that I am currently living my very fulfilling life in the year 2006, I still catch myself missing the good old days at Briarcliffe College, when I was a curly haired Freshman (ok I never had curly hair but you get the point). The point is there were so many things going on at the same time that Briarcliffe sometimes seemed like the Bronx zoo.
On any given day there would be an average of two major events and four to five bake sales. All of this would magicly take place during the 1:00-2:00 break that every student at briarcliffe had. It was always fun to see them prepare for, execute, and then close out an event with literally only 60 minutes to do so. I spent many days in the cafeteria being entertained by Briarcliffe’s biggest stars. There were open Mic’s were student spoke about their lives and experiences through there poetry and there raps, there was the sex jeaprody where for every correct answer a contestant got they would receive a complementary life style condom, and once again, who could forget the 20 twelve fraternities and sororities who almost always seem to be having one thing or another going on. Never in all of my life have I seen so many KKK (KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA), TIT (TAU IOTA TAU), DIK (DELTA IOTA KAPPA) or my personal favorite COK (Chi Omega Kappa) there just seemed to be a fraternity and sorority for every letter in the alphabet, but back to the subject at hand, the good old days (now where was I???? oh yeah).
The thing that I love most about last year semester was the amount of  energy that every student seemed to have in them. Everyone just wanted to do something, no one sat back and complained everyone was proactive and ready for action, spring semester 2005 was the year when students took briarcliffe in their hands and decided to make it more than just a career college. They made coming to school everyday fun, they showed that it didn’t always have to be about school work. Briarcliffe was changing it was clear and evident to anyone who had been there long enough to see what it was like in less intriguing times. Students and faculty alike were working together to create a new environment in the college, that was just the nature of those good old days. Now that we are in the year 2006 the great Idea’s and concepts that the were being derived in 2005 are being put into action. great Idea’s and concepts such as the S.G.A (Student Government Association), Greek Council, Student Lounge, and the already infamous, Briarcliffe News.
As fun as Spring semester 2006 has been, I miss the day’s when I would have to miss my dreaded Business math class, because somebody set off the fire alarms, or even that time everyone had to leave the school because of the bomb threat. I swear there was a fire drill everyday for two weeks straight, and if there wasn’t a fire drill there was a power failure. We all learned how to stick together and make the best of our situation at Briarcliffe. For a school with only one floor, we had more going on than some of the bigger universities (ok maybe Im over exaggerating but you get the point). Last year was just so much fun, maybe its just me but I think that spring semester 2005 was one the best times to be a student at briarcliffe college. Nothing can ever compare to the good old days, not even the present time. Nothing can ever resuscitate the mini renaissance we had on this campus. No matter how hard you wish or reminisce the good old days are gone forever. So lets make some more days.

All about sex

Can you feel the passion? The lips touching, hands caressing, the friction of the hips, soft moans of pleasure escaping the room. Can you feel the fire and desire of that moment, when two become one, like the missing piece to a puzzle? When physical contact is the only way to show that person how you feel about him or her, so with every kiss stroke and massage your intent is to show them that they are the only person you are thinking about. If your message is clear, the results can be mind blowing, you and your partner will be engulfed in the height of passion, and the after effects of disbelief, but if your message is cluttered, rushed or boring, you may find yourself in the dreaded circle of failure; playing back every moment of the two minute disaster that you call sex.

Sex many have had it yet few truly understand it. Sex is possibly the most practiced act in America, even more than lying, and illegal downloading, yet so many people are afraid to talk about it. It has become more of a national past time than the World Series and the Super bowl put together, but people still shun it with a rapid pace. Let us lay down the facts, the pros and the cons of sex. We’ll start with the pro’s, it feels good, when done with the right person at the right time, it can be a connection deeper than the physical brand, it can bring life’s biggest joy to the world (children), and it is an expression of love and affection, but for every pro there are ten cons. It can be mentally and emotionally destructive towards those who are not ready for it, it can cause sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, or can be used as a form of blackmail, or payment. If someone has low self-esteem, sex can be the temporary confidence booster for that individual, but unfortunately just like drugs, sex will only fill that empty void for so long before that individual has to jump to the next partner to feel complete again. So just as great as sex can be, it can also be amazingly self-destructive.

Sex for all its worth has the uncanny ability to bring out all types of hidden personalities in people, that you may have never expected. For example, the usually quiet and withdrawn Tameeka might be the aggressive and overly confident mistress when the mood is right, whereas, the outspoken and smooth Anthony might be shy and submissive. The guy that does the most bragging about his sexual adventures could be as experienced as an infant is in long jumping. Sex brings out so many different personalities, reactions and tall tales. From men lying about their penis sizes, to women being dishonest about their history, and it is that reason that sex is such an amusing topic to talk about. The conversations can vary from personal experiences to sexual urban legends, or horror stories of S.T.D’S contracted. Stick four young adults into a room, and bring up the subject of sex, the conversation if allowed and if in a comfortable area, can flow for hours. Then ask those same people what they think about global warming, and the conversation will probably die within ten minutes if it does not turn into an outright Bush Bash (George Bush).

Then with all the free speakers that we have on the subject of sex, there are the types that feel that anything even remotely suggesting any kind of sexual action is a problem. For example, about five years ago, a commercial for a children game was pulled off of television networks because of its suggestive nature. That game was Mr. Bucket; anyone that is familiar with this game knows that the issue with this commercial was the song. “I’m Mr. Bucket, you put the balls in my mouth”. Now to the average child there is nothing offensive about this, but to millions of angry parents this song was evil and sending the wrong message. The smallest thing such as a guy and a girl holding hands or flirting on a television show can rile aggravate and push these people to petition at just about any time. The only difference with their conversations would be that, they would speak on how negative the portrayal of sex is in America, but with all of that complaining and petitioning, how many of these activist are actually virgins themselves?

Sex for the past twenty or thirty years has not only been a controversial topic, but a marketing scheme, an addiction, a fad, or just something to do when your bored. The beautification of it will probably continue until a new fad erupts, but until then sex and all things about it will be displayed all across our television screens, our bulletin boards, our conversations, and obviously our lives. Sex and everything about it. Whether it’s multiple hours of passion or multiple minutes of awkward thrust and heavy breathing, sex is here to stay. So instead of bringing a deaf ear to it, become more receptive and lets see if we can at least learn how to have it in our lives without so much reckless abandon.

Graduation

<!–[if supportFields]> SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1<![endif]–><!–[if supportFields]><![endif]–> This seems to be the end of the road for some. The time when all of your handiwork is noticed and put on display for others to admire, the day when all those countless hours you spent studying finally pays off. When all of the extracurricular activities that you were apart of are noticed, when all of the money you spent on tuition does not seem like such a large fee anymore.

So now you finally made it to this day, there were times when you weren’t sure if you would make it but somehow you did. You buckled down for school and you kept your eyes on the goal, and because of that you are here at your graduation ready to complete one of your biggest accomplishments.

On the outer surface you look excited but composed, ready for whatever may happen and whatever may be for the day, but on the inside your heart is beating about 100 miles an hour and your stomach is rolling up in knots. Invisible beads of sweat already threaten to begin running down your head through your burgundy cap. The air conditioning is on at full blast sending chills up and down your spine, while the auditorium begins to fill with friends, family, and fellow peers. The sun is beaming through the window, and the glares are running down the tip of your slacks. Millions of questions run through your mind. you think about how your going to pay off your loans, how long do you plan on staying with your parents, how long will it take you to get the job you want or even if you will be able to make it out in the real world. So many questions and no one there to answer them for you. As exciting and satisfying as it is to be graduating, you cant help but feel uneasy when you ask yourself all of these open ended questions. With the rest of your life to worry and toil about the future, you take a deep breath, shake off the nervousness and begin to bask in the glory of your achievements.

“I deserve this more than anybody” you triumphantly say to your self, thinking back to all of those all nighters that you pulled with nothing but a malfunctioning Laptop and a single bottle of redbull. Standing in this crowded auditorium you find yourself zoning out to some of the good old days of your college career. You think back to your first semester when you and the rest of your friends would play Briarcliffe Fear factor in the cafeteria to make the hours go by while waiting for the bus. You think back to your first day as a college student and cant help but smile when you think of the disproportionate t-shirts you used to wear. Your first college party, and the pride you felt when you pulled your first all nighters and handed in that A+ paper to your professor. So many wonderful moments, all flashing through your mind and your heart in glimpses. Thinking about it now it feels like it was yesterday when you were in that cafeteria walking around confused and a little overwhelmed, it seems like just yesterday when an average meal at the dorms was a bowl of rice crispies and hot sierra mist. These have been the best couple of years of your life. The people that you met here are probably going to be apart of your life forever.

Standing here at with the rest of your peers, shifting your weight nervously, realizing that these have been the best and worst years of your life, that you have gone through so much change in these last couple of years, building yourself into the student and even person that you may have not thought you could be. Knowing all of this you know have to take the final walk as a college student, if your not ready for what lies ahead it could be compared to a death march, but since you have been preparing for this day since you were born this is merely a march to glory. Head high, heart heavy, soul and conscience content at everything that you have achieved at this institution. Rejoice in your victory because you did it, you made it here and no one can take this from you. Congratulation, on your graduation.

Graduation

<!–[if supportFields]&gt; SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1&lt;![endif]–><!–[if supportFields]&gt;&lt;![endif]–> This seems to be the end of the road for some. The time when all of your handiwork is noticed and put on display for others to admire, the day when all those countless hours you spent studying finally pays off. When all of the extracurricular activities that you were apart of are noticed, when all of the money you spent on tuition does not seem like such a large fee anymore.

So now you finally made it to this day, there were times when you weren’t sure if you would make it but somehow you did. You buckled down for school and you kept your eyes on the goal, and because of that you are here at your graduation ready to complete one of your biggest accomplishments.

On the outer surface you look excited but composed, ready for whatever may happen and whatever may be for the day, but on the inside your heart is beating about 100 miles an hour and your stomach is rolling up in knots. Invisible beads of sweat already threaten to begin running down your head through your burgundy cap. The air conditioning is on at full blast sending chills up and down your spine, while the auditorium begins to fill with friends, family, and fellow peers. The sun is beaming through the window, and the glares are running down the tip of your slacks. Millions of questions run through your mind. you think about how your going to pay off your loans, how long do you plan on staying with your parents, how long will it take you to get the job you want or even if you will be able to make it out in the real world. So many questions and no one there to answer them for you. As exciting and satisfying as it is to be graduating, you can’t help but feel uneasy when you ask yourself all of these open ended questions. With the rest of your life to worry and toil about the future, you take a deep breath, shake off the nervousness and begin to bask in the glory of your achievements.

“I deserve this more than anybody” you triumphantly say to your self, thinking back to all of those all nighters that you pulled with nothing but a malfunctioning Laptop and a single bottle of redbull. Standing in this crowded auditorium you find yourself zoning out to some of the good old days of your college career. You think back to your first semester when you and the rest of your friends would play Briarcliffe Fear factor in the cafeteria to make the hours go by while waiting for the bus. You think back to your first day as a college student and cant help but smile when you think of the disproportionate t-shirts you used to wear. Your first college party and the pride you felt when you pulled your first all nighters and handed in that A+ paper to your professor. So many wonderful moments, all flashing through your mind and your heart in glimpses. Thinking about it now it feels like it was yesterday when you were in that cafeteria walking around confused and a little overwhelmed, it seems like just yesterday when an average meal at the dorms was a bowl of rice crispies and hot sierra mist. These have been the best couple of years of your life. The people that you met here are probably going to be apart of your life forever.

Standing here at with the rest of your peers, shifting your weight nervously, realizing that these have been the best and worst years of your life, that you have gone through so much change in these last couple of years, building yourself into the student and even person that you may have not thought you could be. Knowing all of this you know have to take the final walk as a college student, if your not ready for what lies ahead it could be compared to a death march, but since you have been preparing for this day since you were born this is merely a march to glory. Head high, heart heavy, soul and conscience content at everything that you have achieved at this institution. Rejoice in your victory because you did it, you made it here and no one can take this from you, congratulation, on your graduation.