Please Take note that the words in qoutes/ underlines are gods words, and when I am the speaking to god directly my words are the Italicized words …That is all.
Reality slipping away, existence coming to an end. The eyes grow heavier, the limbs drag lifelessly; no thought or breath of life evident. Hollow, empty gaping, incomplete. My desolate interior engulfs me.
Buried here but no one left to feel, drifting, breezing, floating, gone; and just as I am to dissapear I awake to a voice which belongs to no physical form or face.
No words or expressions show my fear, its coated in hatred confusion and love. So I stand paralyzed with no words to say, until this faceless voice begins to speak.
Welcome son, you are almost home.
I am your father and I have waited so long
For the day we could finally meet
In the kingdom of heaven where you can be
No more pain, no more fear, no more hate
No more death, all is perfect in this world
that I your god has created.
You my son can join me but first please tell me how
you have lived your life in a way that is
Worthy of this crown”
Despite his decleration I can feel my anger rising,
why should I prove myself, when you created my life?
You lt me sit and hate myself, you made me grow up in the hood. I wasnt committing sins, I was doing what I could. You put those nigga’s on the block, you watched as my dad struggled, I tried to be good but you let the evil follow.
How dare you question me I worked with what you gave me. Now you ask for perfection in a life pre tainted.
But before my rant could continue he had a reply
“My Son you have grown stronger
From all thats happened in your life
But for all of your setbacks you have
Done so wrong.
You have broken hearts, wished against the unborn
You have cursed my name, lusted beyond belief
Betrayed the trust of many ungrateful for the small things.
You see no wrong in your life, but are so quick to judge
Letting emotion over power anything including love
Your rage overcomes you, to prideful for the truth
Obsessed with your own glory, with permiscous ambition
Heart scattering from female to female, running from commitment.
I have opened many doors, and you chose to blow past them
Forgave you when you messed up and never held it against you.
I have done more than you will ever know and still I do tenfold more
for you”
This god is judging me again but I cant sit and accept, that you put us in a world where the end result is death, you watch children die everyday with ease, innocent victims murdered and raped in this place.
No cure for aids, heart break and bad credit continue to dominate. The rich stacks money while my father drowns in debt. So many pained cries for your help left on death ears without a response.
Where is this love that you speak of while all of this is going on.
I havent been perfect I have a laundry list of failures, but I strive for my best, even when my worst was my greatest. I love hard with the habit of spreading my appetite, but I would rather die then live a life where for who I love I didnt fight.
If all power is in you what is the point of pain, what is the purpose of life, is this just your own sick game?
You demand love, but I demand answers if you birthed me in this earth what is the ultimate answer.
“My Son I know your pain, I understand your frustrations
Your questions will be answered, just not today, But Do
Know the truth that I tell to you. For every tear that falls from you
Falls from me to.
I share your pains they burn so deep, my eyes sting of your tears they fall from my cheek
I shudder with a cold chill for every life that expires,
My insides are torn to peices with the experience of rape,
while my body dies slowly every day from Aids.
We are linked, I am with you even when you dont know it.
And when the pain becomes to much I will gladly carry the load.
The ultimate answer that you seek will not be realized today,
But in time all mist must clear for a truthful day.
Lay down your weapons there is so much great in you
Hold my love and with it can be the solution you see the problems to”
